As a Grandmother

My daughter has lived overseas for quite a number of years now. The relationship started off in a very heady way for her. She met this guy online in a country that neither of them had citizenship in. A chance meeting.

He was besotted with her in every way. He love bombed her for the first few years and she couldnt believe how lucky she was to have found such an amazing guy. The fact that his first wife and her child ran away from him one day when he was at work did not sway her judgement at that time. How this first wife left absolutely everything behind and just took what she and her primanry school age child could carry did not concern her, once she had discussed it with her now ex-partner.

He told her that at the time it was a very amicable and mutually agreed separation and even the divorce was all settled quickly and calmly.

My daughter has since made contact with this ex-wife and not surprisingly a very different story was told by her.

The coercive control and manipulation began gradually, and in fact it is hard for my daughter to actually identify when it did first start. This seems to be a common thread in the blanket of domestic abuse and violence. A metophorical blanket that covers everything in the relationship leaving the victims struggling in the dark not knowing which way to go. Not trusting their own voice, no self esteem left and very few choices to make a change.

Add in a baby born in this country overseas, and you have a patchwork quilt not a blanket, with too many patches to count and even fewer options. He really has some power now! Hiding important documents needed for passports and not consenting to a passport in her mothers country of birth. Just making sure she stays put for as long as he can, and making it as expensive as possible for me, the grandmother, the financial supporter.

The coercive control, manipulation and abuse ran in cycles over the years. These cycles are well documented in the annals of Domestic Violence and Abuse throughout the world. However the affects of such ongoing intimidation and control are not criminalised in many many countries.

There's the 'build up' - where in my daughters case her ex would get more and more frustrated with his businesses and the staff issues, he was always being sued! Furstrated at not being rich enough, or not being famous with his music etc etc He would get short tempered with her and put her down. Ignore her for days, even if she was in the same room. Talk down to her in passive agressive ways.

Then comes the 'stand over' where he would berate her for not doing enough social media posts of him and his new child to show what a great dad he was. Her cooking was not to his satisfaction so he would order Uber eats. Constantly asking her to do research for him, or investigate projects like new customised furniture etc but then dismissing the hours of work she put in saying he changed his mind.

The 'explosion' is the scariest. No surprise there. He would yell in her face for the smallest of reasons. His vulcano full and needing to erupt. She may have asked him a simple question like, 'would you like to join me and (baby) for a walk on Sunday down by the river?' I have witnessed this explosive response. Too smart to lash out, using only words and gestures to intimidate and cause intense fear. 'Why do you pressure me', 'can't you see how busy I am', ' I dont have time to play dad', 'you are always asking me for something'.

I saw a definate gleam in his eyes after the event, once he was calm again having said all he wanted to say. Knowing and enjoying all that power, and that she was his hostage. Revelling in her confusion and upset, he would then go out to balcony to enjoy the sun.

He wasn't particulary good at the remorse stage. Often denying it 'was like that'. He didnt mean it like that, she is too sensitive, she is distorting facts and so forth.

Then he would enter the 'pursuit' stage with future faking and buying a ridiculously expensive handbag etc. Promises of looking to buy realestate in her home country so she could visit family and friends easily and often. Telling her to book expensive holidays or restaurants or taking her shopping to exclusive venues.

The 'honeymoon' was spent during the future faking and shopping stage and would ease into a short lived harmony when for whatever reason he would be 'nice' again.

Cut to the present - my daughter and grandaughter are now in their own appartment where they are not subjected to his moods and tantrums on a daily basis. At least not in person. He does love email and texting despite being instructed by lawyers and the court to only communicate via the lawyers. He is actually not capable of following instructions that do not suit his wants and needs. He is cruel and calculating and lives just to upset my daughter. He doesnt even see his own child's needs and schedules as important unless they suit him in the moment.

The legal system is as ancient as the buildings in the country where my daughter is held against her will. The system does not recognise coercive control and abuse unless someone outside the involved parties has witnessed the abuse first hand.

With no support from any agency, government or otherwise in Australia, for overseas victims, we are at the mercy of a system that is patriarchial and ancient. With my retirement funds evaporating into the ether of lawyers fees and living expenses for my family, the future for all of us, is bleak. I do not know how many families are in this situation with loved ones trapped overseas but I would like to know!

My daughter started an Instagram label of 'I_WAS', a forum for women to share their stories and connect just like here. The more forums available the less lonely women and children out there.

I am disheartened at the lack of support from Australia, for our citizens that find themselves in a situation like my family. I hope with all my heart, with support from family and friends, that we will one day put all this behind us. I hope we can learn from this and that going forward maybe get I_WAS going on Social Media gaining support so other mothers and fathers and children stuck overseas can be helped.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story