Did anyone else feel guilty for reporting abuse?

I have something that I need to confess: I feel like I’m such a liar and I feel so guilty I can’t even tell the difference between a lie and the truth (based on my experience).

Okay, so here’s what happened.

I was raised by emotionally and verbally “abusive” parents (you be the judge on what abusive means). I was told that lying is wrong and that the devil is going to get me if I do. I’ve had so many nightmares based on the things I’ve done whether they be bad or not, and I would wound up in a court that immediately charges me guilty.

I was so traumatized that it made me lie anyway even over the littlest of things because I had to say something to make my parents shut up and it was the only way I could get out of doing something I dreaded. Unfortunately I was not only a bad liar, but my parents were too smart for my own good because they would often have a hard time trusting me.

I’m also an extremely sensitive person (call me the feminist killjoy if you like), and as a result I was often belittled and taken advantage of. My mom would often insult me to my face without any remorse, but when I insulted her back, she would get mad. To be fair, she deserved it, since her insults and threats were like a slap in the face, while an actual slap feels like a knife shoved into my chest.

Every time I would step out of line and try to intimidate them, my parents would threaten to beat me or take me to the hospital. I let it traumatize me for years until I finally had enough. I wasn’t allowed to talk to strangers about my personal life, yet my parents were okay with THEM talking shit about me or some random liberal they met. I was forced to delete my account on a few websites because my mom found out I was texting to strangers. Even my phone calls toward my neighbors were prohibited unless I speak in front of my parents’ faces because they believe I am always lying about them. They want to intervene and treat my personal life like a courtroom.

I was forced to suffer in silence. I had no other choice but to report abuse on my local hotline. My calls lasted for several months until last night. One of the hotlines I was talking to wanted my parents’ phone number, I didn’t want to mention them as I feared I would get in trouble, but they said it was a requirement. Eventually I have in and told them their number. That occurred a few weeks ago.

Cut to last night, when my mom went to my house and demanded to know who the lady was, whom stated filed to her an abuse report. I tried pretending I have no idea who she was and what happened. Eventually I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I ended up spilling out what I did.

Mom got mad, even though she kept saying she wasn’t, and as usual, guilted me saying I am not supposed to do that, and that eventually, they will take me away from her.

I said “I don’t even want you here”.

She replied “then why am I here with you then?”

I replied “because you came here”

She got mad and demanded “came her for what? What did I ever do to you?”

I replied, trying to get my words across “you know, I get sick and tired of walking on eggshells around you.”

Mom replied “I don’t make you walk on eggshells”

I replied “yes you do”

Mom replied “how?”

I then explained to her how she constantly judges me and threatened to take me to the hospital.

My mom asked me “like what instance?”

I replied “all the times you told me to keep my hair straight, my clothes neat, and my body clean smelling, even though I had a shower yesterday”

She tried justifying her actions by saying “that’s what you’re supposed to do”

I replied “you made matters worse by guilting me that people are going to smell me”

She replied “you don’t want be smelling bad in front of people” (I have moderate depression and I only shower once a week and would leave my teeth unbrushed for several days at a time)

I said “mom, you’re the only person that notices such little things, no one else is making a big deal out of it”

I was pissed because every time she’s not around, she always thinks I’m lying. Even a slight shift in grammar is lying according to her.

I told her to just forget the number and we can just move on. But she refused. She demanded “I will not forget about that number, we are getting to the bottom of this, because you are reporting false information about me, making them think someone was harming you!”

She added “you’ll regret it one day when someone takes you away, and you will not like it at all”

She even manipulated me saying “you better not tell her you are afraid of me, because you are not”.

I replied “I never said that. I said I hate walking on eggshells around you. That’s all I said”

She believed everyone else was the problem but her. I even flat out told her that I couldn’t call anyone else because they will immediately side with her and not take my issues seriously.

She wants me to call the hotline and tell them I lied about being abused so they will stop trusting me. That’s what she did to my dad. And she’ll do the same to everyone else so she’ll be the only person I can run to. And once she gets the opportunity to lose their trust of me, that’s when she thinks she’s won.

As much as I can’t stand her, I am powerless and have no backup to help myself.

If I file any reports, she’ll snatch the phone away from me and then say “pay no mind to what she says, here’s what really happened…”

And then when she successfully manages to push my buttons and I’m at my worst, she’ll gain the opportunity to expose me and go “here’s how she REALLY acts!”

And then they’ll suddenly believe her and the moment she hangs up, she’ll scream at me over how much of a liar I am and how I’m trying to ruin her life by acting like a spoiled brat, even though she hardly gives me a chance to tell my side and she’s the reason I act this way. Either way, I’m screwed.

I was only safe when I was under her thumb and obeying her every word. Just because I had food and a place to sleep and had everything I needed didn’t mean I was happy.

I just hate that eventually my mom will rob everyone’s trust and in the end I’ll have no one.

Come to think of it, I get more support from strangers than I do with people that are supposedly close to me. I find it a double standard that mom doesn’t want me talking to strangers, yet the people who I tend to interact with at home undermine my problems, reject my point of view when it doesn’t agree with their agenda, and hardly take me seriously.

I don’t feel any good about telling her the truth, but I feel sick with shame and guilt, mom thinks I’m lying, and even I feel like I’m lying to myself and everyone else. Now that I’m stuck in a lose-lose situation, I don’t feel certain whether I’m actually telling the truth regarding this story or not.

What if my parents actually had good intentions, and that I was the abusive one for behaving like a spoiled brat? I feel so guilty, I can’t even trust myself anymore.