Those grand theories and delusions that once ruined me

I wan to share a story about myself. It is not a joyful journey I have experienced.

That dated back to when my childhood ended.

When I was young, I had a joyful childhood filled with love and indulgence. Time flew by as I shared carefree days with my best friends, all living in the same building for junior high school staff. I was not quiet or introverted; I was active, loud, and sometimes annoying to those around me. Among my friends, one girl stood out—calm and undemonstrative, often praised by adults.

In fifth grade, the class leader I admired said in front of everyone, "For example, at the beginning of the school year, Lyla's loud voice really disgusted me." I don’t recall the context, but I knew I hadn’t broken any class rules. We were discussing simple topics, and her words felt as casual as discussing the weather. Everyone laughed except me.

That moment made me realize how I had misjudged myself and how others perceived me. I had never been sensitive before, but her comment marked a turning point. I became the one who sent my childhood to the guillotine.

Hypersensitivity, the tribute of growth or the elegy of childhood? maybe both. But I will not use this term in this article cuz everyone has their own understanding about it is and how it affects. Any underestimation about its power will hurt the people who are literally struggling with it.

Here I would like to introduce " grand theory".

Actually I don't think it's a good idea to play some professional terminology game here. But I still pick this phrase cuz I think it can illustrate more. I will explain it by examples.

Looking at the mirror, this is not a pretty girl she doesn't have a good shape and that's why people talk little to her either. No one would like to talk to her cuz she is not pretty, articulate and humorous enough. conclusion: she doesn't deserve being loved or respected because of how she looked like. I know it's absurd, but can you falsify it? She wants to find some examples to falsify this determinism conclusion. But the more she explores, the more she becomes convinced of that.

Scenario: I am walking in the corridor, the professor holding a phone, talking, is coming toward me. Do I need to give him/ her a greeting? If I don't give him/her a greeting, will she/he take me as arrogant or disrespectful and then give me a low grade and more importantly, will she hate me? So I make up my mind to finally give her a greeting, but she just passed by without giving me a glance. I know she is on the phone. But , what if , what if she just doesn't like me? Did I do something wrong to annoy her? I search in my mind to find out everything that might disturb her. I didn't response quickly to her in the class when she is proposing the questions, is that why she hated me? I didn't say a word to her today except in class, is that why she hate me? I didn't use "Prof" in every sentence of our conversation, is that why she hate me?

Kinda absurd, right? I know. The self-fulfilling prophesy. But those prophesies are just so powerful or just so absurd. I couldn't even find a evidence to falsify that.

Scenario: I heard someone in my age who got a very decent and high-paying job. But look at yourself, a inner voice echoing, what have you done to make yourself valuable? I answered, I got a lot of internships this semester in NGOs, research institution, and AI companies. It said, does that make you valuable or worthy to be respected or paid? I tried to battle with the inner beast that wants to destroy me. But, it seems that all it said is truth. I didn't do very valuable jobs and I didn't get assigned with very important work and I am not the most excellent student with a high academic score or the most articulate public speaker who can get job as soon as he/she can. Conclusion: I don't have any capabilities or values and only can do the jobs that everybody else can do.

So, here is how grand theory procedure works. I generalized a specific scenario and confirmed the person's self-judgement, most of the time negative, and the final grand theory is a indiscriminate denial to the person's self-value in every aspect.

Of course there are a lot of kind people who want to save me , or save them, from be trapped in such procedure, but this kind of symptom, is a closed cycle. At first, I do get some comfort and it really encouraged me at first. But after that day or that morning, when I stay alone with myself, those encouraging memories seem to be reset. Bipolar disorder? This is a too common word to interpret that.And what makes it worse is that, when the people who are so warm-hearted approach you for a couple of time fail to see what she/he expect to see: a total"cured" person, she/he will lose patience and confidence in you. this add salt to your scar. look, I knew it, I am not worthy of being loved. And then go back to your little corner.

Cynical? I don't see it that way. They can't control it either. Society is developing too quickly. Those who can't keep up will be left behind. Is there any way to prevent this from happening?