5 minutes with Iranian women:" trapped in my own body" ***a piece a self-inflicted violence victim's diery

******** This is a piece from a diary of self-inflicted violence victim from Iran****** my aim with sharing this story is to shed a light into how this victim feel and engage in this self-destructive act. It is a rare incidence for someone to be willing to write about it because self-inflicted violence victim often associates feel ashamed and judged by others.

please read with open mind and open heart

It was a typical afternoon. I was just setting at home reading a book. And I don't know what triggered it so that my thoughts shifted back to THAT day.

All the sudden,there I was, a 15 years old teenager standing in corner of our living room witnessing another bloody fight at home.

To this day, my soul still feels beaten up and tired.

I don't know what started the fight, probably something very minor as it always was the case. I was hearing his scream, his insults to my mom, over and over again. I still recall how scared my mom's face was.

Neither she nor did my brother and I ever got use to those unannounced fights. Part of me hates him, part of me loves him, part of me hates me for loving him,& part of me feels bad for him.

These poisoned thoughts had invaded my mind again. I kept seeing everything over and over again. I recalled how I never felt safe in my own home or how frighten I was every time he walked into the house.

10 years later, I still felt that insecurity, but this time I was frighten by my own mind. I was trapped in my own body with all these nasty thoughts and I could not even run away. Like a shadow, they are always with me; sometimes distant, sometimes nearby, but they are always there watching me.

I got so overwhelmed. So sick and tired of being so week. I hated my self for being so weak for being unable to break the cycle. I couldn't bare the pain. no scream was loud enough to express it.

I don't know how this idea crossed my mind, I picked the knife on the table and start cutting on my arm. RELIEVE at LAST. the cycle was broken. I was free. FOR NOW!

I am happy to share that 2 months after hearing this story, she send me another email telling me that she is seeking therapy to facilitate her healing process.