A Survivor's Story

15, She was determined.

Right there, on the precipice of endless possibilities.

The world she knew was gracious and kind; filled with goodness tho not entirely fair to her but good enough.

She would lay awake in her bed at night, daydreaming about who she would become.

Her future seemed so clear; so vividly bright. She felt wanted, seen, safe, and loved.

16, Her innocence collided, with the darkest of demons. Years of her life were ripped from her hands in one moment, in an instant

Sweet sixteen? Nah, It was sour.

Sore sixteen

But she adapted very quickly, how to fake a smile; how to play pretend.

She learned to keep existing, long after her life had come to an end.

She wrestled with a piece of glass, for years and maybe years to come.

She stood there, in front of its smudge stained surface; wondering, what was the essence of it all

When things like this happen, when a child is forced to grow up quickly, they realize the world is tainted.

A scary, unsafe place. They see themselves as damaged goods.

They internalize their rage. It morphs, into the worst form, of self hate.

So She starved herself, of every good thing.

She only gave herself the crumbs.

She equated the food, with shamefulness; and the tiny morsels that she allowed herself to consume, was the amount of love, she felt worthy of.

If she could go back and let her speak; if she had not silenced her painful screams; if she had been brave enough, to believe that she was worthy.

What could have become of her?

Would she be different?

Would her heart, not have these gaping holes in It? Would she not die inside, every time she hears the word ?

Would her level of empathy and compassion, have changed?

Who would she be, if she wasn't violated? This question has haunted me, for so many years. I've tried for decades, to find the answer; to put back together those innocent moments; the ones that were dominated by loneliness, terror, and unimaginable fear.

But the problem doesn't lie within the answers no, it lurks among the questions. The things she asked herself for years, were misguided misdirections.

The question isn't; was she worthy of love; but rather, why did she not believe, that she was?

The question was not: why did they do it; but rather, why did she turn it on herself, in the mirror?

This, is what makes warriors even braver. She was brave enough, to face her demons. And she knows that she is strong enough, to trample and defeat them.

Her journey has been long; an endless quest, to heal.

But all it truly comes down to, is learning how to feel. It's learning, how to not shut down.

It's learning, how to let the pain come; to feel it; to touch it; and to know in the midst of it, that she was NEVER unworthy, of love.