Challenging yourself

You may not have read my last (really long) post (Becoming Isolated) but I wanted to build on it and an earlier one (Warm Light) where I tried to describe my low self-esteem issues. Looking back, I think one of the reasons I flunked out from that ivy league university was I was not ready emotionally for it though I felt intellectually ready for the challenge.

I think when you have low self esteem, or me anyway, that you try to pretend it does not exist in a way by trying to hide it. Keeping with those other images, it is where you feel like Jello on the inside and to hide it you wear the "pretty jello mold" to hide it from others. That image really makes me smile when I picture myself like that but I guess back then I figured no one would notice.

But I really looked forward to this challenge I had set up for myself. To become a Translator/Interpreter and bring about world peace. But it was like my "House of Cards" image from that earlier one where it was a challenge that would take some effort on my part but myself was a bit flimsy and easily fell down at the first test. I never understood back then what was so wrong with me.

I did not want to think of myself as having lived a lifetime of emotional abuse from my family and unprepared for living on my own emotionally. I honestly thought I could just ignore it all and it would go away. I would dive into my books and my studies and everything would finally be good for me. One little bump against the table and my world came tumbling down like a house of cards and left me devastated and confused as to why.

I thought about it and thought about it and decided I needed to change the way I thought so built myself some of those 'Cache' houses so not everything would come down at once and thought I had solved the problem without ever having to admit or think or say anything about the emotional abuse from before. I felt like I had grown and become a much better person and then met my husband and you know how that went!

I guess the thing I want to say most of all is to realize you can not just ignore it and hope it will go away. Remember that you need to challenge yourself with baby steps and build yourself up step by step. It seems like it is the boring and stupid way and of course you are not at all stupid so you will want to skip this part and move on to the more interesting challenges that life holds for you. But by starting with slow steps and building upon it you can achieve your dreams without having to first stumble around a lot and wonder why it keeps happening.

I can remember one lady telling me that no matter where I go there I am so it did not matter where I went. I was kind of pissed at her for that comment back then. I did not realizing that my not dealing with these thoughts never allowed me overcome them and to heal. Support groups are really popular nowadays since a lot of people realize that talking and sharing with others who have gone through it and understand it helps a lot. I never wanted to go search for a group of "mostly vegetarian, book loving, computer gaming, Goddess worshiping Nature lovers" though so am glad I found Pulsewire! I am glad you did too!

Maria