Do I have the right to say that I hate people? I am not a saint though

Hii everyone, this is Lyla from China. I am currently a 19-year-old Chinese college student and here is one of my stories.

This is my first sharing in World Pulse. And I tried to make it inspiring and positive but failed. Cuz in that way what I write would not be what I sincerely feel. So I chose to write something that I have been hiding but struggling with----People, or most specifically, how to perceive people?

I don't know whether it is appropriate to write that I hate people. I can now even hear what others would say to me if they see this post, like "It's your problem that you don't know how to get together with people." or " You just think too much" or" you should get to know more people and after that you will find all you are thinking now is senseless and misperceptive" . they will tell me a lot of theories or their "experiences" . I used to place my hope on time, which I wish can take away all my adolescent-illusions. But now I am about to turn 19 and still can't get recovered from a trivial which the "adults with experiences“ call, while I take as a narrow black box that I will never get out of. Maybe I am still not mature enough, to childish and immature and ignorant that I have been burdened with such a slight and insignificant thing. A slight ficial expression can be interpreted as a hate and diminish to me. Phrasing the words again and again just to make sure that I won't disturb or annoy anyone with a single word or punctuation. I told myself so many times to stop doing this. I was killing myself with such loads of rethinking and information regeneration. I talked to myself, fighted with the beast within my heart and mind, intentionally degraded myself, physically punished myself for cannot evening control self mind. So many times I told myself it is time to be a "normal" person. Just a couple of hours later, I was again placed in the narrow black box, where I was breathless but couldn't find a way to get out.

I hate people most of the time. But I don't have the right to say that. I clearly know that it is more a sujective perception. There are people who are bad to me but good or at least harmless to others. I am not an important person so I have no right to judge them whether they are kind or not. This is the inner mindset in me. Crazy, isn't it? But I just can't be talked into believing that my perception is not always right. Then here comes the question: what is right or wrong ? who has the power to define right or wrong? I feel like I am about to explode every day this sort of questions come into my mind.

Because I am not a VIP and I am not smart and I am not famous so I can't make the right perceptions about people, which gives me no right to hate people. So the only thing I did is to hate myself.

But I knew this feelings are irrational and I know that I need to make some changes.

This semester in my college, I find myself a lot of interships and am still searching for virtual oversea internships cuz I wish I will have the chance to go abroad to study and work, which is one of my dreams. And I feel alive about it.

Maybe it is just because today I had a really bad day that I wrote such negative words. But in the future I will try to make it more positive and courageous.