Every Month

Everyday I think it will be a new one but it just gets worse than before. After few days of this melancholy, I start feeling better again and then lightning strikes again. I'm back to thinking that the pattern won't repeat but it does.

Today, like for the past 2 weeks, has been going bad. I just feel I should get some help apart from whatever I'm already getting. Why can't I have a new day? Why is it so difficult to just be okay if not good? To you it may sound absurd but for me it's a struggle. Sometimes, I wish I could show it to people so that they'll leave me alone because in this state, I don't want to share anything but when I do want to I can't seem to reach out to the right people. So, I end up sleeping or binge watching. What a use of time!

I'm behind on my certifications, my medicine and my physical health too. Everything seems unorganised in life and sometimes in my home too which otherwise wouldn't have bothered me, never used. The good few days that I have don't me feel this unorganised. You know, it's hard to even explain with this state. I don't feel like sleeping, don't want to take my sleep medicine. I'm procrastinating more than I usually do.

It feels like there are only problems today but to be honest they are a problem for me as they are affecting my concentration, my work, my days and my life. Thankfully, the love life is great. I am able to at least manage my high emotions which actually are not there in my low phase. SO, good news! Yeah, that's one thing I'm thankful about is not going down the spiral.

But the remaining things, I want to get it back in order. maybe all I need to do is for few hours stop worrying about what I'm not able to do. Let it be. Let my brain relax for a while. It's already stressed. So, lets' try with not thinking about the problems at all until morning. I'll take my sleep medication, relax, take few deep breaths and wake up in the morning. Let's give another day a new try. Don't know how it will go but I need to try till I can. I don't want to go back to the stage where even trying was a struggle.

So, that's it. Let's do it.