FILLING THE VOID...My search for an Identity.

\"Leila, the principal wants to see you in his office\"

Those words changed my life forever. It marked the beginning of a journey that lasted about 16 years.

I was barely 13 years old when I lost my father after a brief illness. I remember as if it were yesterday the summoning to the principal’s office at the boarding school where I was. I could never imagine that what I would hear would change the course of my life forever! This is my story:

I was in the school hall rehearsing for a class play. I was so excited to be playing the role of speakerine or announcer of the various scenes :)

When the principal announced to me I was going home because we had a family meeting, the first thought was, this was a first because we have never had one before. Why now? And secondly, I am going to miss out on the play. I really never had a choice though.

To cut the long story short, I went to my grand aunt’s place and there I discovered I just lost my father. But it was all like a dream because I had spoken with my father some days before and he had told me he was coming to the hospital near my school and that I would see him. That was the last time I ever got to speak with him.

After all the burial and rites it took me 14 years to come to terms with the loss of my Father. When the entire family came together in 2012 to celebrate his life, it suddenly dawned on me that I had no father indeed and I fell very sick for days. (That is another story)

Unconsciously, my choices in life were being guided by the effect of that one event: a silent search for a father figure. I felt more comfortable with boys as friends rather than girls and I dated much more mature men. I had no interest in people my age or the things that could interest them. I looked for people who could ‘understand, protect me, speak out for me, advise me...’ People who could stand in place of my Father.

Let me pause here to say that my Mother (God bless her abundantly) did an amazing job in bringing us up. In a typical African family where your in-laws disliked everything about you, she succeeded in protecting us and teaching us how to love and give ceaselessly. I am so grateful to God for such a strong woman.

But there was a void, an identity crisis I was unconscious of and unconsciously I sought to fill it. But my choices for the most part were wrong and when I look at them today, I am not proud of them but am grateful God took me out and established me in love.

In 2010 I was facing a battle within. Nothing seemed to satisfy me anymore; my job was monotonous and stressful; in my relationships I had deception upon deception; I don’t know if I really had any friends then. I became depressive and lived on anti-depressants. Gradually I was becoming an addict to medications at the age of 26+.

That same year, I finally agreed to travel abroad once and for all after much struggle on the part of my family for years to convince me. I left my job, got my visa, admission, tuition fees fully paid (for an MA in public Relations and advertising at the university of Leicester), set to travel to the UK but then something happened that changed the course of my life again 16 years on.

After being labelled all kinds of names, I severed every link with many, and even ceased going to church. But there was a quest deep inside to know God's purpose for my life and who I really was that could not be quenched. While under the effects of anti-depressants, I decided (so I thought) to give going to church another try. I started fellowship at my present church (Gospel of Christ Ministries). I cannot explain in details but all I know is I realized I had been searching for fatherly love, my identity, but I was searching in the wrong places. I thought father figures could make me feel better about myself. Little did I know it is a void that no man could ever fill.

The day I learnt about the Holy Spirit and what He has come to do everything changed.

First of all I discovered I had stopped taking my drugs (for those who know how anti-depressants work, you are dependent on them to sail through every day). I realized suddenly it had been days and I had totally forgotten to take them and I was doing just fine.

Secondly I made one of the most painful decisions of my life to stay back in Cameroon and sit down to learn more about this God who is able to take away my pains so easily and without strings because I knew my quest for an identity will not be found necessarily in my acquiring more qualifications. When I made this decision, I had peace that I could not explain and each time I wanted to go back on it, I became restless. It was a difficult moment, and I thank God for my family because though disappointed with my decision they stood by me.

Thirdly, I opened up my heart to learn what love is and how to love in return.

Fourthly, I committed myself to my decisions and gave myself wholly to change.

Over six years later, when I look back at the void created by the loss of my father, it has been filled by love that is more profound. This love has not only healed every pain, it has made me a different person with different pursuits and desires.

Not only do I have a man (my age) with whom I look forward to a longgggg exciting and purposeful life, I have found who I am and found what I want to live for.

Kara (Joy in Greek) communications is a dream and desire to transform lives, encourage others to open their hearts to their authentic selves, inspire them not to leave their personalities outside but to clearly communicate their values, raise their visibility by connecting with their true selves and successfully realizing their career and other goals. I strongly believe the journey to a fulfilling life starts with finding out who you are and why you are. That is where joy and happiness derives and to me that is the heart of what we know today as personal branding.

An authentic brand is one that is able to express your values and beliefs, showcase your skills and talents in such a way that you can be experienced as authentic, original, true by everyone be it in the family or at your job; one whole person not a schizophrenic!

In the words of Simon Sinek, people will always relate first with why you do the things you do and not necessarily what you do. I look forward to leaving my imprints one step at a time in every life I come across and as the ripple spreads, we see a world where selflessness and other-centered love reigns.

I tell my story today not as someone who has attained fully but as someone who has her eyes set on the one who is able to transform inside out. As I am transformed within, I am a better person and I am able to give freely!