Frantic Nights of Peace - Motherhood

"Once the children are asleep I'll do that thing I have been trying to do for the past week. But no, I must do that first to be able to have everything for the kids ready in the morning. I have to leave for work before they wake up, so if that isn't done my husband, in-laws and parents won't have an easy time." These are the thoughts in my mind before I pass out from exhaustion and wake in a panic when my alarm goes off the next morning. Albeit this wasn't just the mentally disrupted sleep of an anxious mind, it was also broken up with breastfeeding, adjusting the covers, changing diapers, and all the seemingly unconscious activities I have to do each night so the rest of the family aren't disturbed.

Motherhood is sometimes like a warzone, even in times of peace. I know that it's a horrible comparison, but sometimes the height of nerves and constant jarring needs of the family are like dodging threats and putting out fires. Nighttime for me is especially difficult, the weight of the tasks and endless needs press down even harder on the darkness. There is nothing that prepares you for motherhood, where you and your needs are secondary matters and somehow the small hours where sleep and rest are needed become the rushed moments of task driven impulses.

I'm in the Caribbean, the most idyllic location, but where women like me who are educated and experienced still struggle to find work in a patriarchal society. The work we do get is often not friendly to women with children. In my opinion, I have it easy because I have the support of my family, unlike many others, but it still poses a huge burden on me to make sure everything is taken care of so my burden doesn't fall on anyone trying to help me. I have tried to fight this loss of self, continue with my love for helping others, writing and fulfilling my ocean literacy work. But how can I help others when I can hardly help myself?

These nights have been getting more and more stifling. I do try to find the things to celebrate and keep them in mind, like the fact that everyone is happy and healthy. I am grateful for the people I trust with my children, that they are able and willing to be there for them. I try to not let the weight of self doubt, underemployment, and the sheer number of tasks I have to accomplish, crush me and debilitate my actions. I try to be mindful of the women struggling through so much more in the world around me, fighting wars I can't begin to comprehend. I am fortunate to have choice.

So I find peace in my frantic nights. In the big scheme of things, we can only do what we can do. We can only control what we can control. Everything else, those are not things I should let seep from the darkness of the night into the warmth of the morning light.