Growing up as a neurodivergent woman in a religious conservative community

I was ostracized by my friends and family just for simply being myself. I was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism when I was three years old. As a child, I was very hyperactive and naive. I was always so loud and wanting to blab everything out that I see and hear to the point where I was shamed for doing so.

When I was around six or seven years old, I would not stop saying “Bud Light”, and my parents hated me saying it. I didn’t understand why, I like the way it rolls off the tongue. My mom explained to me that beer and alcohol is a “sin” and if you drink it, you go to hell. My parents are extremely religious and overprotective of me, and because of that, I never got to experience the same enjoyment as the other kids.

I tried learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels, but I couldn’t do it. I lived in an extremely rural area with lots of hills and bumpy gravel-like roads so it was extremely difficult for me to do it, even with training wheels on. All the other kids I know had the privilege of living near a smooth road and had a much better time practicing. Seeing all the other kids do it in front of me made me feel sad and jealous.

I also couldn’t swim and had a very hard time doing so without getting easily tired. I couldn’t even float on top of water since I was so heavy. All the other kids showing off in front of me made me angry that I couldn’t do it like them. I also hated the feeling of drowning since I nearly drowned in the pool one time when I was little, which was why I would never get on a diving board.

But that’s not the worst part. The worst thing about living with extremely overprotective parents is that I can’t drive. I am more than old enough to get a driver’s license, but the thing is, I live way too far from a driving school or any other place in general where I can simply just walk. I live in the United States, a place with long winding roads and if you’re someone who lives in the middle of nowhere like me, you’d understand the pain that the nearest city is at least 20 or so miles away that would take forever if you were walking.

Now can you guess what stopped me from driving? Two reasons actually. First off, I was often told that if I died and I’m not saved, I would go to hell. To make matters worse, driving is very dangerous, so it’s very likely you’re going to at least get injured. Second, I had no friends, no supportive neighbors to help me out. The only people I had are my mom and dad, both have very short tempers, they often start screaming at me if I do something wrong or if I’m not careful, and finally, they never shut the fuck up, meaning they keep yakking over how I need to do this and that when I already know how to do it, and even when I tell them to stop, they go “the police will say the same thing to you”. That’s the thing. Nothing is ever their fault, they pressure me, drive me crazy, and then blame it all on me for setting boundaries. Then they wonder why I don’t want to deal with them.

Growing up as a girl with autism is much different compared to if you were diagnosed as a boy. For one thing, when you’re a girl, you were often scolded for talking too much or being too loud because “young ladies should learn to be quiet”, which never happens if you’re a boy because “boys will be boys”. Being a girl with normal bodily functions such as burping and farting in public often gets you reprimanded, being told “it is gross and unladylike” (I was often told this since I fart A LOT, especially when I’m on my period) but the same people are totally fine when boys do it because it apparently “proves their masculinity”. When you’re a girl experiencing a severe autistic meltdown, you were seen as being disruptive and violent and you get punished as a result, while boys who do it are viewed as stressed and using it as a cope mechanism.

Now I’m not saying that boys with autism don’t struggle, my point is that while autistic boys have struggles, we often overlook the experiences of those that are girls. Being a girl with autism has often ostracized me from my family and friends. I was told that my autistic meltdowns mean that I am not capable of working in a normal job with normal people. The “friends” I had had either moved away or had frequently mocked me for little things. I often got punished at school for acting like my normal self, I was also forced to carry a tracking sheet every day for teachers to report my “bad behavior”.

My parents would always punish me for stupid reasons, especially for things that wasn’t my fault. I would get yelled at over how horrible of a daughter I am, guilting me over how I “poorly treated everyone else”, and sometimes even physically abusing me. They also told me how I “deserved to get punished”, acting like I’m a spoiled entitled brat who is ungrateful. I was always grounded for behaving how an autistic kid would behave just because they didn’t like it. What I especially hated hearing is them comparing me with everybody else, saying “do you see anyone else act the way you do?” to inflict shame on me insisting I was bad and not normal.

Now you may wonder what does religion got to do with my experiences? Let me tell you. We used to go to a church when I was little until their pastor was kicked out for sexual assault. That church was shut down for over a decade now. My parents decided to create a church from their neighbors’ barn that they burnt down a few years before. Sometime after they built it, they forced me to participate in their church despite me begging them not to.

I was their piano player and singer. I hated every moment of it. I had to sing the most cringeworthy and godawful songs ever written. And if I didn’t do them, I was shamed and even punished for not “obeying the lord with my given gifts”. I would tune out after that by listening to secular music. But since the goddamn pastors went to shaming kids playing with their cell phones while at church, I was forced to listen to their boring and obnoxious drivel. I grew more and more angry with the Christian community and their constant misogynistic, racist, gay-bashing bullshit.

I wanted out. What made matters worse is that ever since my parents owned that church, they behaved worse and worse towards me. They would threaten to take me to the mental hospital whenever they pushed my buttons every time I have an outburst. They would also slap me and even beat me with the belt to “keep me in line”. They would label me as the devil whenever they think I have an “attitude problem” or that I’m “letting the devil use me to destroy the church”. They would also manipulate and gaslight me, exploiting my emotions for their gain, such as telling me “you can cry to the president all you want, but he wouldn’t care”. From all the shit they talk, I’d rather worship the devil and have that goddamn church destroyed than be an emotionally numb slave having my individuality and self worth destroyed by self-righteous Bible thumpers.

I became an atheist since October 2020 because I was so sick and tired of toxic Christians like my parents making excuses to hurt and abuse others they don’t like and disguising it as love. The more I saw them act the way they do, the more I resented them. After the worst experience I had in church on December 2020, which included physical violence, verbal and emotional abuse, and even public humiliation, I called my parents out on their bullshit and said “I am sick and tired of going to church! I am tired of being a slave and not feeling any happiness as your stupid Bible so-called promises! I am never going back!”. My parents argued that I will be sorry one day and would wish I had gone back to church when the rapture comes. I replied “there is no god, there is no rapture!”. Of course, they kept giving me these stupid arguments pulling every verse from the Bible desperately trying to prove me wrong, and they did so as usual to get me all worked up and then mock me “you’re the one who brought it up! See, you’re throwing a fit about it because you can’t argue with the truth!”.

As usual, they make everything my fault. I stopped (thankfully) going to church since January 2021 and am more than relieved into not going anymore. However as consequences for being unable to leave sooner, I grew more and more depressed and miserable. It had been that way since I was transported to a Christian private school when I entered high school. I felt ashamed of myself for being different, and I believed everything my parents told me.

Until one day, I discovered on the internet what spiritual abuse and toxic relationships were. I started to realize what I was in is not a healthy relationship at all. I began calling my parents out on it, only for them to twist everything against me and make me the toxic person because as usual, nothing is their fault. They also labeled me as delusional and disrespectful, claiming I’m reading “garbage” on the internet.

I’m not putting up with their bullshit anymore. Dare I to be born with a clitoris and a uterus and be diagnosed with autism despite my parents making the decision to have children in the first place? Dare I exist in a Christian conservative community that ostracizes minorities and labels us as “not normal” despite having no other choice?

I say, fuck it all. We are just as human as everyone else is, whether they like it or not.