Love Shouldn’t Hurt - Why Understanding Gender-Based Violence is key in all Relationships

Introduction

In June 2025, Ambassador Maryben Omollo—an internationally acclaimed mental health and leadership coach, 17-time award-winning speaker, and founder of the Maryben Foundation—shared a deeply personal and powerful message during a panel session at the Murang’a Inter-Varsity Worship Event. Alongside prominent voices such as Lady Justice Njoki Ndung’u, Ongili Hillary, Jackie Migide, Dianah Kamande, HSC, Rosemary, and Purity Jebor, under the leadership of Hon. Sabina Chege, Omollo addressed a topic that affects millions but is often shrouded in silence: Gender-Based Violence (GBV) in relationships. Her message was clear and urgent: love should never hurt. And yet, many people—especially young women and men—remain in relationships that diminish their spirit, erode their self-worth, and compromise their safety, all under the guise of love.

The Quiet Beginnings of Abuse

Omollo began with a question that many have heard or asked themselves:

“Have you ever seen someone stay in a relationship that drains them… and all they say is, ‘It’s complicated’?”

This phrase, “It’s complicated,” often masks deeper issues. GBV doesn’t always begin with physical violence. Sometimes, it starts quietly—with control disguised as care, manipulation disguised as affection, and silence used as punishment. She shared the story of a young, intelligent, vibrant girl whose boyfriend dictated what she wore, who she spoke to, and punished her with days of silence whenever she disagreed. The girl called it love. But Omollo was clear:

“Love shouldn’t make you shrink. That was emotional abuse. That was GBV.”

What GBV Really Looks Like

Contrary to popular belief, GBV is not always visible. It doesn’t always leave bruises or black eyes. Emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging, and often harder to detect.

Omollo outlined common signs of GBV in relationships:

1. Manipulative phrases like “If you really love me, prove it.”
2. Controlling behaviour such as “Don’t post that” or “You’re nothing without me.”
3. Using silence, sex, guilt, or money as tools of control.

Importantly, she emphasised that GBV affects everyone, including men. However, societal norms often shame men into silence, making it harder for them to seek help or even recognise abuse.

Recognising the Red Flags

Omollo urged listeners to pay attention to the emotional and behavioural signs that something is wrong. These red flags include:

1. Feeling anxious or fearful around your partner.
2. Being afraid to say “no.”
3. Isolation from friends and family.
4. Constantly apologising for things you didn’t do.

These are not signs of love. They are signs of manipulation, control, and emotional harm.

Why People Stay

One of the most common questions asked in discussions about GBV is:

“Why did you stay?”

Omollo answered with empathy and insight. People stay in toxic relationships for many reasons:

1. Fear of starting over and facing the unknown.
2. Pressure from friends or family to “make it work.”
3. Hope that the abuser will change.
4. Feeling stuck or too deep in the relationship to walk away.

She offered a powerful analogy:

“Staying in a toxic relationship to avoid being alone is like drinking poison because you’re thirsty.”

Redefining Love

So, what is love—real love?

Omollo redefined love in terms that are healing, empowering, and affirming:

1. Love is peace.
2. Love is respect.
3. Love is someone who listens when you say ‘no’—and still stays.
4. Love is the freedom to be fully, unapologetically you.

This definition stands in stark contrast to the controlling, manipulative behaviours often mistaken for affection. True love uplifts, not diminishes. It nurtures, not wounds.

The Power of Conversation

The panel session at Murang’a was more than just a discussion—it was a movement. By bringing together voices from law, activism, faith, and leadership, the event created a safe space for truth-telling, healing, and advocacy.

Omollo’s call to action was simple but profound:

“Let’s keep the conversation going. Let’s choose love that heals—not love that hurts.”

This message is especially vital in communities where GBV is normalised, hidden, or dismissed. Silence protects abusers. Conversation empowers survivors.

Reflection

Ambassador Maryben Omollo’s message is a courageous and compassionate call to reexamine what we call love. In a world where emotional abuse is often minimised and physical violence is hidden behind closed doors, her words shine a light on the realities many endure in silence. Her story reminds us that GBV is not just a legal issue—it’s a human issue. It affects how people see themselves, how they relate to others, and how they navigate the world. By naming the behaviours, sharing the stories, and offering support, we begin to dismantle the systems that allow abuse to thrive. Omollo’s leadership in this space is not just about awareness—it’s about transformation. She challenges us to build relationships rooted in respect, empathy, and freedom. She invites us to be brave enough to walk away from pain and wise enough to walk toward healing.

Lesson to Learn

Love should never hurt. If a relationship makes you feel small, anxious, or afraid—it’s not love. GBV can be emotional, psychological, or physical, and it affects people of all genders. Recognising the signs, speaking out, and seeking support are acts of courage. Real love is peace, respect, and freedom. Let’s choose love that heals. Let’s keep the conversation alive.