Maybe my NO didn't matter.

Emotion: 2/30

Marital Rape.

Diary Entry: The Night That Stole My Voice

The red veil on my head, the pat on my back. they told me this was the reality.

Reality...I was married.

To a man I know nothing about.

To a man, my father was proud to leave me with.

To a man, my mother emotionally forced me to marry.

The night was blurry. Too hazy, too far from my dreams... I wanted to feel happiness.

I wanted to achieve.

Instead, I felt distance. A strange emptiness.

Then he entered the room.

His room.

A room with furniture my father spent his hard-earned money on for my wedding.

Every corner reminded me of my father, and yet, the man standing there made it feel like none of it was mine anymore.

The sound came slowly, the quiet pile of clothes hitting the floor.

His clothes... My body froze... My soul screamed NO.

NO to this moment.

NO to this man.

A boundary I thought I could set.

I heard his steps... I moved back... He’ll understand once I explain.“I just need time… time for our relationship… time to know you… time to process.”

"NO, I need time f-"

I heard my own words before I could complete it, I heard something else, the sharp slap.

The sting on my cheek.

My eyes closed, sealing in the moment I understood what “NO” meant to him.

Wasn’t it my right to say no? I heard from them that it's my right to say NO.

But did they ever tell him to respect it?

“You would say no to me? Your husband? I own you.”

His grip on my jaw tightened. My tears fell, helpless.

This isn’t real.

It can’t be real.

He’ll stop.

he will stop.

HE'LL STOP.

But he didn’t stop... He didn’t listen... He pushed me back until my body hit the bed. I tried to get up, my wrists caught, pinned on the bed.

My clothes were torn from my body, and the naked body of mine was screaming NO.

This isn’t real.

It can’t be real.

His breath was hot against my skin.

His weight was heavy on my chest.

My voice was breaking, “No" again and again.

This isn’t real.

This can't be real.

But the fabric under me is rough. I can feel it.

The pain is sharp. I can feel it.

His hands grip tighter. I can feel it.

The sting on my cheek. I can feel it.

My insides were torn. I can feel it...

This is real.

I screamed NO.

I begged NO.

I pleaded NO

But to him, my NO was never yes. It was nothing.

He chased his pleasure, and when he was done, he left me there, crumpled, empty, like a sheet tossed aside.

He ruined me.

The self I cared for.

The self I tried to protect.

The self my parents guarded with their life.

Was it meant to be like this?

Do I not have a right to say NO?

Was it my mistake?

I lay there, lifeless, under the man who hours ago was a stranger but now was my husband and my destroyer.

My body ached, it burned, but worse was the hollowness.

Like my value had been ripped away.

The sheet by the bed was still untouched.

I wanted to grab it, hide myself, hide the shame, hide the marks only I could see.

And that night, I learned.

Saying no was dangerous.

So I learned to say yes…

Even when every bone in me still screamed no.

___________________________

This is not love.

This is not marriage.

This is not a private matter between husband and wife. This is violence. This is rape.

It is gender-based violence, and it hides behind closed doors, behind the words “he’s your husband,” behind the silence that we are taught to keep.

My story is not just mine. It belongs to thousands who are told their bodies are not theirs, who are told a marriage certificate erases their right to say “NO.”

It does not.

Your body is still yours.

Your voice is still yours.

We must name it.

We must stop it.

We must stand with survivors and demand laws, education, and change, until no woman’s “NO” is turned into nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have made a series of discovering emotions woman of our society might be going through...

Emotion: 2/30

Ps: I'm not so good with writing emotions, this one was the hardest, time taking, because I as a 23 year old who have listen some lost stories can't define the pain they go through...

I hope I can impact someone to speak up, about there rights, about their self.