My Greatest Pain Became My Life's Purpose! My Domestic Violence Story

*Please be aware, this reading contains adult content & may be triggering for some. Please exercise caution and use self-care.

I never envisioned myself being a victim of anything, especially Domestic Violence. However, it’s an experience that I survived more than 10 years ago. I can assure you my love story probably started out like yours. I dreamed of a fairytale romance like I saw in the movies and read about in those cheeky romance novels. I wanted to love and be loved by my man. In 2005, I thought I found the man that would love, protect and provide for me. I wanted to build the ideal life with my “Mr. Right for Me” we were supposed to fall in love, get married, have a baby, build a business and love one another until death did us part. 

When I met him, it was a whirlwind romance. I lived in Pittsburgh, and he lived in Maryland. We met one evening while he was visiting my hometown. It may sound corny but, our eyes met across a crowded bar, and I was completely enamored; he felt the same way. For hours we would talk and text every day, this went on for a few months and before long, I packed up and moved to Maryland to be with him.

Our romance moved at lightning speed, shortly after I moved in with him, he told me he loved me and though I didn’t feel the same I felt compelled to tell him I felt the same. We shared many laughs, had regular date nights, travelled and did all the ordinary things that couples do; life was great until it wasn’t. When our daughter was born, I had to take her with me whenever I left the house, he would call me incessantly whenever I left the house and if I didn’t immediately answer the phone he scolded me. He constantly accused me of being unfaithful even though I was loyal; he was the unfaithful party in the relationship and even fathered another child while we were a couple. 

We were from different cultures; he berated me for not being able to cook his native dishes though he never taught me. We both worked, however, I paid all of the bills, did all the household chores and independently cared for our child. I always felt uneasy and afraid of upsetting him because I never knew what would anger him. He told me I was “too outgoing” and dressed “too flashy” so I began dressing the way he wanted me to and became more subdued, he convinced me that my family and friends were jealous of our relationship so to appease him I stopped speaking to them, his friends/family were cordial, but never accepted me because I wasn’t from their culture so I felt isolated, depressed, and lonely.

Our relationship was very turbulent, he strangled me; I choked him because I felt like I had to defend myself against his constant verbal/physical tirades, he always told me I wasn’t enough and though I constantly attempted to appease him I never did because he always moved the goal line. He kidnapped our daughter, would pick an argument so he could stay out all night with other women and I ended the relationship 3 times, lived in 3 Domestic Violence shelters, had a 3-year Protection from Abuse Order against him after he pushed me while I was holding our daughter.

There were many more psychological, physical, verbal abuse, controlling & demeaning behaviors he displayed towards me however, I finally had the courage to leave him because though I wanted to give my daughter an intact family which is something I never had. I wanted her raised in a safe & loving family; I left the abuse for my daughter’s sake.

I loved him but hated the abuse! The real issue is that I loved him more than I loved and valued myself. I stayed because I wanted an intact family, which is something I never had. After the constant psychological, physical, verbal, financial abuse and much more—I finally found the courage to leave. I wanted to model to my daughter what a loving relationship was and to keep her safe. I chose us and began my long journey of healing. I began reengaging with my family and friends, found new hobbies and slowly rebuilt my life.

Since 2018, I began using my social media platforms, became a public speaker and advocate providing Domestic Violence awareness, education, financial literacy, community resources and safety techniques tailored for female survivors with the goal of recovery, healing and supporting them as they rebuilt their lives.