Navigating a toxic family

This is one of the hardest things I've had to do, not because I find it hard to cut them off, but because they provide.

Here's the thing about verbal abuse, it sticks with you. It runs back over and over in your mind. It lowers your self esteem. And where I'm from, even when you step up and do what you're supposed to do, you never know what mood the head of the house will be in. His mood, is your mood.

You feel like it's your obligation to keep on the right so nothing negative is said towards you, but that doesn't help. You move out and limit contact, but they call you one afternoon, and you think they're calling you to say how much they miss you so you pick it. And you regret why you ever thought they would change.

That was a deal breaker incident that left me paralyzed with depression and pushed me to the point of not caring about that anymore. My life is more important. My mental health is more important. I'm important.

I used to think that this is just how parents talk to there children, but it was just a conditioning mindset ingrained into me by the people in the household going through the same treatment. However, she can keep believing that and trapping herself in a cage. In an age whereby mother's can inspire their daughters, she chooses to remain trapped, and ignore all the calls for help that are as obvious as ever to avoid discomfort, even because of her daughter.

I don't know if I wanna go back, I've registered for countless scholarships, remote jobs, jobs in daycares, and I'm just hoping something, anything, pops up.

But the thing is, apart from the disorientation, I finally feel like power belongs to me. I feel like I have finally uplifted myself, and going back home will be the equivalent of me willingly going back to having a ball and chain to my ankle.

Kenya is known for a lack of jobs, so the fact that I'd rather take my chances with starving to death says a lot. No one at home really stands up for me, all they say is that I have issues. That's just part of the problem.

I'm currently spending my Christmas alone, but I've never been better. I'm still in campus premises, the streets are empty, the apartment is quiet with no one to party. Everyone's at their homes. But I choose to say that my home is where my peace is at. I am my peace. I am my home.

I do not deserve that, strength does not dictate I endure that, father's don't talk like that, mother's shouldn't be quiet on behavior like that, I can do this, I am beautiful, I am smart. These are just some of the affirmations I repeat to myself before I breakdown. They most definitely do not deserve my tears, empathy, or sympathy. They sure didn't have these qualities when they pushed me into depression and suicide!

In the words of Harry styles, "you can let it go, you don't have to go home, they can't hurt you anymore if you let them go." Well Harry, I let them go, and it's true, they cannot hurt me anymore!

I've also used to his time to connect with God as a Christian, after all that's what Christmas is all about right? I know that God is a father, and God would never treat me the way I have been treated. God is gentle with me, I love being in His presence where I feel safe, loved, and understood. And like the way He sent Elijah freshly baked bread from heaven when Elijah requested to be killed, he's sending me amazing people who call often, check on me, and help me take my mind off things.

All that's left to do for me is heal, completely. I will forgive, it's my Christian duty, but I'll sure not go back to people who unheal everything I have struggled to mend, including my perspective on love and life.

I do not know what the future holds for me. I don't know if I will get a job, if I will different from school for a while, or if I will luck out and land a scholarship. What I know is that I feel powerful, in control of my feelings, and closer to my father in heaven. It's a great feeling that I want to keep having for a very long time.

Will I ever go back? I don't know. Will they ever reach out? I also don't know. Will they ever apologize? I don't know. But I'll be damned to insanity if I go back and let them blame me for feeling the way I have been feeling. I'm sure things will escalate and I just might throw hands if all of this becomes my fault. That's why I don't see myself going back any time soon. Up to them to use their parent Spidey senses.

All that said, if you can relate to my story, I'm sorry for all of us. We don't deserve this. Not everyone was meant to be parents, and we just so happened to be borned to such people. Remember there is a right time to leave. I pray that when that time comes, everything will work out for you. All the anger and pain, you don't have to hold on to that. You also don't have to go back or mend anything to prove you've forgiven them.

If you offer scholarships and you're reading this, I do a medical laboratory science course, and I would appreciate your help. I only need one and a half years tuition to complete my studies and make an impact in the medical laboratory world, one step at a time. I am available via email and would be happy to connect with you further to mentor others though my story!