op-ed attempt

Hey classmates....Please indulge. I need your help with my draft....

its a a bit controversial, so let me know what you think. Also, I need to chop it off by about 300 words...read on......

My aunt Nancy Wanjiru has suffered violence in her marriage, in silence. One moment she cries on the shoulder of friend, pouring out what she’s been through, her latest ordeal. She gets all forms of advice, and finally decides on one. She will leave her partner, carrying the kids along. But it is only a matter of time. Of course, she will soon return.

I can tell when a woman is suffering in silence. I can easily see it in her face. One is distant, or slowly detaching from friends and family. This is when trouble crops in. She is scared of periodic telling about her marital problems, because she knows deep within, that she will crawl back.

There are times she feels alone, afraid. Depression sets in. She cannot talk about it anymore. It’s now learned helplessness. She blames herself for the outcome.

Often, there is no food for her young. She is a housewife. Yet, her husband comes home drunk, demanding for food. Should she have stolen or borrowed from the neighbours, again, or send her young begging.
As we speak, my country Kenya has no law that criminalises domestic violence, despite having ratified relevant international instruments which guarantee equality, respect for human dignity, and capacity to make responsible choices.

Gender based violence remains deeply entrenched in Kenyan culture through rites and traditions that are not only physically and psychologically harmful, but also instil the perceptions that women are objects to be used, abused, or bartered.

Bride price and wife inheritance are two such traditions, which also contribute to increase in marital rape, and the overall poor economic status of women.

Bride price is paid in exchange for a wife. Most Kenyan cultures embrace it, but it is increasingly becoming commercialised. Parents are selling out their daughters at exorbitant rates. In turn, the husband will view the bride as commodity, with a right to mistreat her. The girls cannot return to her home when all hell breaks lose! Her family will have already used up the money or cattle that was paid.

Wife inheritance or widow inheritance: the widow, being a community’s property, has to be taken in by a brother of her late husband. This is irrespective of her feelings, or the HIV- AIDS status of either of them.

Sadly, due to social stigma, fear of reprisal, ignorance of the law and one’s rights, insensitive medical procedures, and mismanagement of court cases very few are officially reported and even fewer are successfully tried in court. Feeling trapped and often helpless, women have nowhere to turn and continue to suffer in silence.

Now, in this side of a man’s-world, women cannot also turn to communal institutions to address their marital problems. Wife beating is acceptable. It’s a ‘sign of love’- a fools Love. Religion and tradition urges me to ‘respect’ and ‘submit to’ even abusive husbands- and die in the process. The police or local administrations dismiss it as a ‘private affair’.

This is just a sneak-peak of the world I have grown up in. Seeing women in my family denied a fulfilling marriage-life. Time and time again, I told myself that I would never enter into this institution.

It was not long until I joined CREAW, a world where women come in, when all hope is gone. For them, it is refuge and a place to find a listening ear, someone who will understand and lift them out of misery. But, in the real sense, the women come to find themselves. They are empowered to make informed choices. Most just need counselling, together with their partners. Some need out.

But as a human service deliverer, burnout is inevitable. Unconsciously, I began started to hate men. I began to see them as the source of all of women’s problems.

But I now realise that there is hope for the woman of Africa.

Our men, even those so educated, expect total submission. A woman is expected to obey, without protest. I believe that every woman today has a voice and valuable ideas. With intuition, women are able to see a problem, way before it occurs.

So I guess, watching as things fall apart as the husband makes mistake after mistake can drive you crazy. Conflict erupts. Any couple seems driven further and further away from each other.

Miscommunication causes even a loving man or woman to utter stinging words-unforgivable words! The parties eventually avoid each other, and may lose their first love, which they once had for each other. So, a man may in some instances batter the wife or emotionally abuse her, or try to control her. They blame it on the woman. She caused it.

So how do we prevent escalation of violence? Yes, I believe that a polite answer quietens anger. But should women be the ones to take this first step?

But I now realise that there is hope for the woman of Africa.

Every woman has so much power that is divinely given. We are able to change a relationship with our innate charm - unless of course you are dealing with a psychopath of a spouse.

There are loving men, willing to listen. Deep inside, they have a soft spot; even the most chauvinist can change. Find it and negotiate your way. Accept nothing less than a partnership!
Counselling helps. Even better, pre-marital counselling! By knowing your partner’s personality, conflict is minimised.

But if all is done and violence remains, its time to get out! I hate to see another marriage break, but life is too beautiful to live in bondage.