Pain that changes. Hello Motherhood!

You would think that when I say "hello motherhood", I'm speaking of the labor ward experience, right? Wrong!

Motherhood found me through grief. Let me elaborate.

I had a sister who got sick and passed away. Nothing ever prepares you for a loved ones death no matter how sick they were. I have always been so comfortable being the aunty! You know the fun kind. The one who listens to the nephews and nieces, and also takes them out, buys them the cool stuff? Yes I was that aunty until death changed my life.

Society will always dictate to a woman which years she should have her children and for most it's in your mid 20's to early 30's. Past 35 you are told how much harder it will be for you and beyond that, it's declared almost impossible to have one. Plus if you have your children much later, you will always have people wondering why that late?

Back to me. I have always been the one who loved life. The person who would wake up one day and decide that today, I will be going to a different town, city, country and I'll explore everything it has to offer. The next time I could be up the mountains on a grueling hike! Next moment I would be at the beach. Sometimes I love to party till the break of dawn and when I get back home it's just me, myself and I. I was happy, content, too busy with my career and side business that I didn't want anything to tie me down. I wanted to have kids when I was stable enough and when I have a partner to help me out with parenting. Single parenting is quite difficult. I have seen how people struggle with it. At the back of my mind it was a deep wound. Unhealed trauma until recently when parenting came my way.

I lived with my sister for the longest time. Her kids were my kids too. Sometimes they would be so close to me and she would joke with me that "she gave birth for me." Or "I have hijacked her babies." It was funny when sometimes the kids would run to me to avoid her from disciplining them. Sometimes she would hand over the discipline reigns to me and they would run back to her for protection. We practically raised them together.

When she passed away and we had laid her to rest, I couldn't believe she was gone. I was the one who was holding her babies hands back home. Back to the house we shared but now in her absence I was the "mom". I sometimes would look at them and want to hold them so close and take their loss away. I always understood that there was no way you can love other people's kids more than their loving parent could. I felt like I was in a room, confronted, with no escape plan. I had been in their lives for so long but I never thought I would one day be left with them. Nobody thinks of the eventualities of death.

I took on my new role head on. It changed my life. I didn't have the extra time I did. I had to come home early every day because if I didn't , the kids would start to worry. I wouldn't want them to feel anxious in my absence. I didn't have the extra money to do my random travels. I was now a mom. I had to feed two extra people. I needed to ensure they ate all their meals and ensure that they were healthy and nutritious. Previously, I would sometimes just leave work, or my girl's night out and just grab fast food or deli foods from the supermarket, or even just buy cake and come home, make hot chocolate and consider that a meal! I now had to cook or ensure that they have a warm meal at the end of the day. I now have to buy them clothes when their clothes wore out or they were looking to have the latest trends. I wouldn't like them to miss out or look out of place when they are with their peers. I also now had school fees to pay. I had hospital runs in case they fell sick. I had homework to help them with. The discipline mantle was now fully in my hands. I had to lead them right. I had to comfort them when they became sad. Give them hope and encourage them every time. I had to pray for them and lead them in the same religion where they were raised in.

Anyone would think I would be overwhelmed by this. Yes, at first it was overwhelming because I hadn't been a parent before. But one thing I appreciate about her, is that she raised them right. They are wonderful children who have made my chance with motherhood easy.

Right now I have never been so fulfilled having them by my side. It's both challenging and rewarding in equal measure. I have mastered the ropes so far and now all I think of is being a better person for them. Being someone they can emulate. Someone who they can look to and feel loved. I had to drop some habits to mold myself into a better person, a mother figure and a pillar to lean on. Change is not easy or pain free, but this loss has been worthwhile pain.