Sailing on the sky over the sea

Since becoming a mom, I think I over did it a bit. I fixated on their every breath, on every swallow, every blink of their eye. And, in the blink of an eye, five years had passed between the time before I was 'mummy' to now. I'm fortunate to live on a small island, unfortunate to know exactly the environmental constraints of that fact. In order to find work, I must travel by car, boat and foot. In this modern version of what my grandparents went through, I am in a hybrid car, a high speed boat and my feet have comfortable shoes, but still I find myself looking at the basic parallels. Why is it that in an age where we are so connected, we are still so strained to find employment? Why do mothers have to work so much more, for longer hours and with so many different tools and skillsets to be able to survive?

As I sail on the water taxi on my way home, I see the frigate birds sailing on the air currents above while I fight the waves of fatigue and mental load no one else can see. I want so much to find that balance that allows me to transform my skills and experience into my livelihood without having to spend hours away from my children, unintentionally burdening my support system in a different way than when I was a stay at home mom. With set time constraints on the work I may add, because at this point I'm either overqualified or my résumé is too long for me to look like I'm specialized in anything. So a short contract, and no way to know what comes after. The tightrope between (self identifed) financial burden and (self identified) burden imposed on others for childcare is one I inflict on myself. My support system are there for me, and I am so fortunate to have them, but my own thoughts, wants and feelings are my enemy most days.

I watch the birds navigating the airways as the boat rocks around me. I take pause when the boat stops and I walk off into the salty air. So much of this human existence is inside your own mind. I think I just realised that I have to remember to make my mind the calm sea I need. If I keep stirring up the waves inside, how can I expect to have a peaceful voyage? How can I expect that my children will have calm seas to sail on for themselves? So I take a breath, calm the waves, and meet their smiles and questions about sailing on the boat today.