The end of becoming

Dearest hearts,

Something woke inside, burning away the ridicule of  "me", and as it burns there is space for love, for light for laughter for compassion. "I" know these are all mere words, sounds arranged in a fashion to create a pleasing word, but what are they really? because the "I " knows now that  "I" have never loved or lived, "I" have just become. Become a wife, become a mother, become divorced, become a failure, become fearful, become anxious...become a mess. The "me" is the content of that memory. As is the world we live in. Humanity has been becoming. Humanity has not lived or loved or prospered. Humanity has been becoming that which it is today, fragmented, dispersed, conflictual, angry, sorrowfully, hurting. That is the truth of what we have become. There is no quick fix from here. No solution to apply because it will only add to the becoming. More, more, more until we have no more space to see.

Oh, there is a complete fix, but that requires everyone to be honest and take a good look at themselves. The irrationality of oneself, the anger that is suppressed by morality, the fact that one is always scattered, fragmented, and talking to themselves...Yes, let's start small. Step by step.

The one writing lives in a household of 4 generations of women, The essence of conflict born out of the lack of love and compassion. The writer still feels the need to escape from this space but every time she takes a good look at that desire she knows it to be hypocritical. Because it only serves the "I" not the whole. How can there be peace on earth when we are unwilling to make peace in our families? How can there be love and compassion when we let the anger and selfish self pitty fuel our actions into further separation?  How can there be a better world outside when one is too afraid to face one's inside?

How can there be space for creativity when there is no space at all within, no stillness, no seeing, just the perception of one's education.

The writer has no answers because there can only be a change if one is willing to change. To drop the act and becoming and just be. Myself included. 

Oh there are actions to be taken around oneself, but not as a means to escape the truth but to face it, even if it is as small as making peace with your mother, it is a step one has the responsibility to take. Respons-ability, as long as one is alive and living one has to die to everything he or she knows to be so. Every layer of conditioning, Cultural, religious, political, race, gender, until one is. 

There is no future for girls only, there is no green future and a clean planet until one is deceiving oneself for further becoming the course of separation and discrimination. 

The writer is in conflict as well, but she is now serious and determined to really look at herself and end the becoming of Barbara Buh.