The hatred of women’s bodily functions according to straight people

Well, here we go again, we’re diving into the bottom of the barrel with Reddit again, this time regarding bodily functions in women. Here we have a man complaining about his wife burping and farting too much and “having no shame” in it. Here’s what I mean:

”I love my wife- we've been married about a year and half, together for 5. She is physically very attractive (in shape, good looking), and has a fantastic sense of humor. We joke around all the time, and life is generally great.

About a year or two into our relationship, she started farting. Like, everyone farts, but not like this. She makes no attempt to keep it on the DL, she will literally lift a cheek off the couch and rip one so hard it scares the cat. I've never really been super comfortable with this, having grown up in a household and around people where such things are generally done in private (or at least an attempt is made). But she is shameless. She also belches like a sailor.”

You’re contradicting yourself here. You say everyone farts, yet you don’t like when your wife does it, it’s “bad”. Just because you’ve been raised with different beliefs doesn’t give you the excuse to put your ideals on a pedestal all while shitting on something that’s normal. You’re bitching about something that’s natural, and still YOU’RE the victim? Not once did she ever tell you to suck it up, according to your post!

The simple fact is that women are more gassy than men because we have more estrogen and progesterone in our bodies to help us to digest the food we eat. We’re especially gassy on our periods as that’s when our estrogen levels are at an all-time high. Are you trying to suggest we should be ashamed of how our bodies work and walk on eggshells around a bunch of pansy-ass dudes simply because we’re women?

”She's all happy that we're "comfortable" enough together in our relationship that she can feel free to be as disgusting as she wants, and I get that there are no secrets between married couples (intimacy means knowing more than you ever wanted to about your partner's bodily functions). But, it's gotten worse over time- what started out as on occasional squeaker has become a daily onslaught over the years.

I've tried to hint, both subtly, and not so subtly, that while I'm not some prude etiquette nerd, her farting and burping disgusts me and I'd like her to tone it down. I have said these exact words. I have tried laughing about it, and shaking my head silently. I've even gone so far as to purchase a squirt bottle, joke that I'm going to try to train her like a cat, and proceeded to spray her whenever she lets one go in a loud and shameless way. Nothing seems to help.”

There you go again, contradicting yourself! You claim you’re not a “prude etiquette nerd” as you call it, yet you still whine and bitch about burping and farting being disgusting. Okay, and? You then say it’s normal among couples but you still bitch and moan about it. You even prove to us over how controlling you are by telling your wife how gross she is.

What’s even more ironic is that you never quote on anything SHE says, just you. You never make any precise details on HER side of the conflict, since you want to focus on yourself. Honestly, this is giving out lots of r/ImTheMainCharacter vibes.

”I have to honestly admit that it's starting to hurt our sex life- I'm finding it hard to get in the mood when she rips a room-clearing fart and then asks "wanna fuck?" Or when we've just taken our clothes off, getting ready to do the deed, and then she gets up for a minute to blast a tuba solo.”

Oh boo-hoo, poor ole you, how dare your wife let out a fart that’s totally natural and hurts your fragile little ego! Woe is you! I am laughing at your victim mindset right now as you speak! If you were smart enough, you’d already know that smelling farts can boost your immune system. True, they smell bad, but it’s supposed to as digestive gases are composed of hydrogen sulfide, aka the chemical responsible for the “rotten egg smell”.

”First- am I overreacting? Is this just what it is to be married?”

Yes. Yes you are.

”How can I help her understand that while I love her and accept her body in all its wonderful and gross ways, I'd appreciate if she could tone it down? Help me Reddit. You're my only hope.”

Sorry to burst your bubble, my pampered little prince, but the reality is that you cannot change somebody, you can only change the way you react to it. You’re trying to make her appease to your ways all while making contradictions that even someone living under a rock can point out.

From how you’re behaving, your wife is never going to change, and she will only change if she makes the decision if she wants to.

”Wife does gross things, won't pick up on hints that it's hurting our sex life”

No, it’s only hurting YOUR fragile ego because you can’t fathom the fact that your wife is shameless regarding her bodily functions!

”I want to clarify some things a few people seem to have misunderstood.”

The only person I know who has “misunderstood” is YOU.

”I love my wife unconditionally and will love her forever, no matter what. Anyone in this thread suggesting otherwise better hope I never run into you on the street.”

🎶Li-ar li-ar, pants on fi-re!🎶

Ooh, I’m shaking! What are you going to do, wittle pwincey, beat me up to a pulp? Hahahahaha, that’ll be the day!

”This is not "normal", routine farting that everyone does. I fart, you fart, we all fart. I'm a red-blooded American man and farts are hilarious. What I'm talking about is like living in an Eddie Murphy movie, every day. Like, she thinks this is funny and doesn't understand that I'm over the joke.”

So what? Your definition of “normal” is not the universal standard whether you like it or not. But please, do tell me how farts are hilarious all while contradicting yourself about how farting is gross, because you’re speaking two different languages here, pretty white boy.

”She did grow up in a "TMI" household, where farting wasn't a big deal. This can be wonderful, but I guess I'm hoping we can retain some semblance of romance over the next, oh, 50 years we'll have together. This is tough for me, as I grew up in a household where we didn't share our feelings, and bathroom humor was frowned upon. I'm working on that.”

You’re American, right? Yet you were raised to believe that toilet humor is rude and offensive. And yet who is the majority of toilet humor in American media? Oh, the hypocrisy of white American men!

”How often do you people fart? How often do you fart loud enough to wake up a cat? Is it hourly? Because that's what I'm talking about here.”

Uh hello, you’re talking to one right here! I am a massive gas-hole, especially when I’m on my period. Can I fucking help it if my bowels tell me to let ‘er rip? I come from a history of shameless gas-holes, my parents fart a lot, my grandparents fart a lot, I have aunts, uncles, and cousins who do the same too.

Only difference here is that our family are hypocrites, they hate when women fart but are okay with men doing the same.

”A few people have mentioned dietary concerns/lactose intolerance, and you may be on to something. I don't want her to be uncomfortable, so looking into this is a great idea.”

So why the fuck didn’t you ask her already?

”Everyone suggesting I need to do a better job of communicating is 100% correct. I grew up in a household where we weren't good about sharing our feelings, and it's something I'm working on. As I'd mentioned, I have tried being direct, and I've tried being indirect, and I've tried humor (which is our preferred way of handling problems), but it's very clear to me from the responses that this is not a situation for humor.”

Blah blah blah, we get it, you don’t have a sense of humor. Can you please shut up and move on with your life already?!

Now here are some of the comments, including a couple of OP’s:

”There's "comfortable," then there's "well, we're married now, so I'm not even going to try." I'll let you work out for yourself which category this falls in.”

How the fuck is excessive farting “not even trying”? This doesn’t line up the same as, for example, personal hygiene.

”Exactly. There are the farts that HAVE to come out (and we've all been there), and then there are the ones that you'd only push out when you're alone and have absolutely no reason not to.

I love my husband, and we are very comfortable with each other. If I have to fart, I fart, and he deals with it. He does the same to me. But I'm not about to start blowing out every bit of air I feel coming down the pipes, because being intentionally disgusting is still rude, even when you're married.”

You don’t have a fucking clue whether people are farting on purpose unless they tell you. Also how the fuck is it “rude” to have bodily functions other than the petty excuse that it’s “disgusting”?

”Maybe when she farts or burps while watching TV it's not so bad, but if she does it before (or during) sex, just bite the bullet and put on your clothes.

She's likely to change if she realizes you're not attracted to her while doing that.“

Lol seriously? You really think that lady is going to care about that? She ain’t gonna give a shit.

”What kind of people have you been having sex with? Never in my life has a sexual partner farted or burped closely before/after/during sex. It would completely ruin the mood and it'd be over as soon as it started.

Comfort /=/ disgust. Please recognize this. Just because you're comfortable enough with your partner to fart, burp, poop and produce other bodily functions around them doesn't mean you should.”

Waaah waaaah, I hate when people have no shame in making their bodies comfortable because it hurts my wittle feewings, waaah waaaah! Sounds like you’ve never had sex in your life as much as you claim, pal. If you’re such a fucking pansy over bodily functions, you might as well get used to staying a virgin ‘cause nobody here gives a shit except you.

”I am far from a virgin but I really wouldn't like my fiance to be burping and farting all the time especially around sex. Farting I don't mind so much but especially burping as it really grosses me out.

I like my relationship with some mystery!”

Good! Stay grossed out. Us gas-holes don’t fucking need you spoilsports anyway! You can cry a river all you like over how normal bodily functions hurt your feelings, while we’re just having the time of our lives! Also sex is not a mystery, it’s fucking sex!

”You're absolutely not overreacting. That is disgusting. It's one thing to burp and fart while watching TV, but doing so at the dinner table or in bed is just rude, inappropriate and disrespectful. I completely agree that if she does it while in bed, just start putting your clothes back on. If she objects, tell her how many times you've asked her not to do those things and that when she understands how much of a turn off that is for you, maybe you will be more inclined to be intimate.”

If a normal bodily function at the dinner table or in the bed is “disgusting, rude, inappropriate, disrespectful”, then good, keep crying like a big baby, ‘cause we’re gonna keep doing it! We’re doing a great job keeping shitheads like you away from us! From how these guys are complaining, I am rooting for all the gas-holes, especially OP’s wife, and I hope you motherfuckers leave us for good, ‘cause we’ll just find someone that will TRULY accept us for how we are, meanwhile you’ll just die alone.

“For real. I'd feel embarrassed and unattractive if I learned that something I do was making my SO not want to sleep with me. She needs to know how serious this is.”

Having bodily functions does not make you less attractive, dumbass!

”I understand there are some farts you just can't hold in sometimes, and even some that take you by as much surprise as your partner. But those farts aren't coming down your poop chute all the damn time. Unless you're sharing the same room 24/7, there's time to pass some air without your partner hearing or smelling it every time.

Being comfortable is great. My SO and I fart around other, too, we don't care too much(I mean, we tell each other it's disgusting, but we're still laughing every time), but I wouldn't dare to fart during or shortly before sex. In the 8 years I've been with my SO, I haven't farted during sex once. I may have gotten up and excused myself once or twice for a short bathroom break, but that's still less disgusting than just farting in front of your naked, aroused partner, if they're not actively into that.”

You and your husband are not in charge of telling us when we should or shouldn’t fart. Just because you think it’s gross doesn’t give you the right to police everyone else.

”I have a gassy husband. Like I worry if he's gone over an hour without a toot gassy. He is mostly capable of keeping it in while in public. However, it causes him horrendous stomaches. I'm not a fan of the farting. Jokes are made it keep it light.

But let's face it - big fucking deal. He's my husband. My home is his home. If they are smelly, I ask him to leave the room when the urge hits. But home is sanctuary.

And let's also face it - your wife is the one farting. This is still considered to be socially unacceptable for women. Are you sure there is no double standards going on?

You don't like your wife farting. Say it. Don't spray it.”

No commentary on that, just need to include that so it will make sense for the next comment.

”No offense sir, but I don't think you've gotten the proper context. I would be THRILLED if my wife farted only five times an evening. My god, the joy in my heart.

She has about 10 other places in the house she can go rip one as loud as she wants that doesn't have to be five feet away from me, on the hour every hour.”

First of all, OP, are you assuming the commenter you’re replying to is a guy? Secondly, we are well aware of the fucking context. There’s no need for you to shove it down our fucking throats!

Third, if you’re so upset over your wife farting, then why the fuck did you marry her?! You act all passive aggressive then act like a controlling bitch whenever your wife dares to exist and has bodily functions just like every other fucking person.

And fourth, when and where she farts is HER prerogative, not yours! You bitching and moaning about it all the time is only going to eventually make her leave you for good. Ugh, the audacity of straight people! Speaking of which, I recommend it be on r/AreTheStraightsOk.

”That's horrid. I wouldn't last a day with someone like that. Has she always been this way?”

Bitch, why the fuck do you care? And also, I’d much rather have you staying the fuck out of my way. (Next comment is the same person)

”Because it's such a hardship not to act like a pig? I was brought up to have manners, and I certainly wouldn't drop them because "that's what the body does." Should we also expect our significant other to chomp and smack their lips when they eat? Leave the bathroom without flushing? Go days without bathing?

Past the age of 4, you should be able to control yourself. I'm not suggesting that you should never pass one fart or burp, I'm saying that most people don't want to live with someone who does it purposely and constantly. If that makes me uptight, I'll wear the label with pride”

Being gassy is NOT the same as having poor hygiene, dumbass! I was raised on MaNnErS, I demand MaNnErS, GiVe it to me NoW, this is exactly how you sound, you boomer-ass spoiled princess Karen bitch! You think you’re so fucking special, aren’t you? You want manners, why don’t you crouch down and kiss my hydrogen sulfide ass?! You’ll get your fucking manners guaranteed!

Why do you fucking care if I chew with my mouth open and smack my lips while I eat? Why do you fucking care if I forget to flush the public toilet? Why do you fucking care if I haven’t bathed in several days? Why do you fucking care if I belched loudly in your face after devouring a whole table full of garlic? Why do you fucking care that there are people like me who just don’t give a shit anymore?

What gives you the fucking excuse to act like a complete entitled bitch who thinks everyone should do exactly what you say? What makes you think we should walk on eggshells around you just because our normal bodily functions offend you so goddamn much? Respect is a two-way street, sister! You reap what you sow! If you think you can get away with acting like this:

Then expect us to act disgusting towards you!

It’s also ironic how you say “Past the age of 4, you should be able to control yourself”, yet here you are STILL acting a fucking 4 year old, throwing a tantrum whenever someone dares to slip out a fume of gas out of one of their holes!

”I'm not suggesting that you should never pass one fart or burp, I'm saying that most people don't want to live with someone who does it purposely and constantly”

🎶Why the fuck you ly-in’? Why you always ly-in’? Oh my god, stop fucking ly-in’!🎶

You contradict yourself saying that we can only burp and fart once even though you claimed burping and farting AT ALL is disgusting. And then you have the audacity to say anyone who has digestive issues aka gassy all the time is rude and disrespectful. Also why should we care if we want to fart or not and you getting your panties in a knot over it? Our business is not your business! Get the fuck over yourself!

Holy shit, I can’t do this anymore! To end this all off to the gas-hating sissies reading this, as Monty Python and the Holy Grail said it best: