The Heart That Thrive

She stood at the door that lead to the place she called a home. She could hear a loud noise....a loud music first, then a loud noise.

Her Dad is fond of playing music to keep the energy of doing his work flowing. I guess it also help him to meditate on the word of God when he listen to those song. However, it seems like there's something else the music kept going now.

She practically was fond of her Dad, and she knew interrupting that argument can lead to problem, so she placed her ear gently on the door, to listen to what they were arguing about. Unfortunately,the next thing she heard shook her.

Nevertheless, she just stood there. She could tell from the increased volume of the radio playing that the argument was not ending anytime soon.

Even though the music was loud, she could hear every statement that was been said. She was torn by the conversation. Could her parent not tell that they were not just hurting themselves but could be endangering themselves as well. She thoughts of several ways to calm her parent down but her shaking legs couldn't even give her strength to turn the door knob. She was weeping already. Then she heard something which changed her life completely.

"It's would have been better if you didn't get pregnant, you won't have trapped my life" Her Dad said loudly.

She couldn't believe her ears. This was someone she priced with her whole heart. He wished she was never born. And just like that, she felt guilty and responsible for the coming together of her parent, a situation she obviously had no control over. From that moment henceforth, she forth over the fierce power of guilt. It's funny how she was able to turn negative situation to positive and that she meditate on.

Yet, she held herself responsible for their pain and took responsibility of lot of adult stuff in the name of ending the pain. She dream everyday that one day her parent would look back and be proud they gave birth to her.

She ranked second or first in her class, her academic life was top notch. When she read, she read hard, and when she play, she played hard. She was balanced until one day when her mother gave a terrible glance and told her, "if you dear get pregnant into this house, I would kill you."

She said other mean stuff as usual, even at the age of 14, she struggle with low self esteem and socializing. Even though she found great friends, she kept distance with all of them and gave only one entrance for anyone who qualified of course.

She pushed away any guy who seek to be more than friends, and girls who liked guys scare her the most. She never made friends, but a lot of friend where ready to make her one. She never participate in anything that would make a guy like her. She didn't wear clothes,hair or make up to attract anyone. She was stubborn and because of the pain she felt from her decisions, she made herself a lot of promises. Promise to pay the debt of been birth in the first place.

Everyday, the price of not taking responsibility was ever increasing, so she was never tempted to be free of the responsibility she had nudged herself to carry. Her hope of freedom from the responsibility was tied to the future. A dream that she had become fond of anytime she had a fantasy. Still the moment of the present scares life out of her. She smiled with everyone to get anyone attention, but never open up to anyone as she hated the feeling of been weak. She promised herself to stay strong come what may.

Everyday, she wished she was a male, one who would be loved by her Mom. She soon had self hatred because the only thing she saw in her mom eyes when she looked at her was fear. Fear of this girl becoming a liability. She never saw the possibility of the blessing of been a female not once.

However, this is what I want to tell her, my younger self of course. You would think she was way too older, but her age will surprise you. Dear Younger Oluwaseyi, be proud of yourself as a female, as there would never be two of you.

This is a short introduction into my world. And if I could send a letter to that girl, because I never for once applaud her for her perseverance, none her commitment to staying on the right track. I kept on belittling her effort.

I asked her to work hard and hard and hard. She did gasped for air sometimes, but I did bury her head into the water, telling her it was her fault her parents were in constant tension. And things that made that seems true often showed up. I look back now, and I feel like I disappointed her. She really struggled a lot, no award was given.

Her mother took everything and told her to work even harder. This wasn't bad, as it showed her what she was capable of. However, she never loved herself...I mean, I never made her to love herself. In one word, I simply want to tell my younger self, I am sorry.

I am sorry I didn't acknowledge your effort to shine, I am sorry I encouraged you to give up on yourself just to focus on someone who couldn't love you on your behalf. I am sorry I kept you in a toxic mental health to make you think that was the way to please Mom. However, now I know you have learn everything there is to learn. It's time to wake up from the feeling of self pity, because now I acknowledge you. You are brave, you are stubborn at whatever you put your mind to until you accomplish it.

I am proud of you. Although all the effort seems like you did nothing, I want you to know that as long as you don't stop thriving, not only would family applaud you, the whole world would eventually do so too.

Stay believing, stay hope. Don't stop working on yourself. And let them get amazed, yeah let them also acknowledge that you had a Heart That Thrived.