The Pressure to Have Kids Early: A Perspective Shift

I came across a perspective today that, for the first time in my life, made me feel a sense of pressure—real pressure. It was something I saw on Facebook, and then later, I think on Instagram or somewhere else. It wasn’t just another passing thought; it hit me deeply.

The conversation revolved around a Nigerian producer—where someone mentioned that her 23-year-old son was already married and had a child. Then there was another person, Hassan, who was already married with a child at 22. The discussion went on to predict that by the time these young men hit 40, they would probably be retiring, with their children already grown and independent.

This perspective was shared by a Nigerian national, and they pointed out something that really stuck with me. They explained that in many Western countries, people tend to have children earlier, and because of this, they get to a point in their lives where they can relax while their kids are fully grown. Meanwhile, in places like Nigeria—and honestly, much of Africa—many people don’t have families at younger ages because they’re still struggling to figure out their lives. Many are just trying to figure out how to get their next meal, so having a family isn’t even a thought at that stage.

As a result, most people in Africa end up settling down much later, between the ages of 35 to 40. That’s around the same age when their counterparts in places like Europe or America aren’t just settling down—they’re already stepping into a phase of relaxation, because their children are grown.

This realization hit me hard. I had never felt pressured by age, marriage, or having kids before, but at that moment, I suddenly did. As a 26-year-old, I started feeling like time was slipping away from me. I started thinking, “Should I be having kids right now? Am I losing out on the opportunity to raise them while I’m still young?” It was like a wave of anxiety, this fear that if I didn’t do it now, I would end up struggling to raise children in the future instead of resting like those who started early.

I never thought I’d feel this way, but looking at the narratives around us today—the way the world speaks about age—it's no wonder people feel rushed. Everywhere you look, memes and conversations make it seem like 26 is old, 27 is ancient, and 30 is basically the peak of aging. At 32, you’re apparently the “mother of all oldness.” And it’s not just about aging in general—it’s particularly focused on women and the pressure to have children early.

But then, something in me shifted. Instead of feeling trapped by this idea, I had a moment of clarity. I started thinking about parenting differently.

Instead of struggling to raise children while still figuring out who I am, I want to raise my children in a season where I am fully aware of myself—where I have reached a level of personal growth and stability. I don’t want to bring a child into the world when I’m still trying to answer the question, “Who am I? What do I want?” I want to raise my children and enjoy every single moment of it.

Reading these perspectives, I realized that I had started putting pressure on myself for no reason. I had momentarily forgotten something very important—parenting should be enjoyable. You should enjoy loving your child. You should enjoy facing challenges with them, guiding them, watching them grow. But how can I do that if I’m still struggling with my own issues?

Right now, I am fighting personal battles—internal struggles I need to sort out before I bring another life into this world. If I have a child while I’m still halfway through my own healing, I fear that instead of allowing them to thrive, I might unconsciously transfer some of my past traumas to them.

I don’t want that.

I want to be in an environment where I am financially stable, spiritually at peace, and physically in a good place. When I do become a mother, I want it to be a beautiful experience—one filled with joy, not struggle. I want to raise my children in a way that nurtures them, so they can go out into the world and bless it.

It’s okay if not all of us are able to have children at younger ages. In fact, sometimes that delay is a blessing in disguise. I need to accord myself the time to heal, to grow, to build. I don’t want to bring children into a situation where I’m still figuring everything out and end up using them as an experiment for how to be a parent.

Someone recently told me, “Susan, you need to have kids right now. You’re already 26. You should be having them before you hit 30.” And I just thought—why are people always in such a hurry to tell others to have children without understanding their circumstances? Why is it so normalized to push people into parenthood as if it’s just another milestone to check off a list?

I don’t get why someone would bring a child into a toxic environment, just to use that child as a way to figure out how to be a parent. No. I refuse to do that. I refuse to bring a child into a space where they have to witness me still battling my struggles. I want to be whole, so I can give them the best version of me.

And you know what? That’s okay.

It’s okay to wait. It’s okay to not have kids in your 20s. It’s okay to start later than what society deems “ideal.” Because what truly matters isn’t when you have children, but the kind of environment you bring them into. A happy child becomes a happy adult, and a happy adult makes the world a better place.

So I refuse to let pressure dictate my life. I refuse to rush into something just because society says I should. I want to take my time, heal, grow, and when the time is right, I will raise my children with love, intention, and joy.

A happy child is a happier adult, and a happier adult creates a happier world.

Peace out.