When i was just finishing my college and looking for a job, i wrote this article for myself...to satisfy my frustration

These days have been mentally hectic if not physically. Everything is changing in my mind and heart. My perceptions to so many things have changed and I have again fallen into this forbidden well that I so much loathe. It is the one lonely hollow well, where I get so low that it drowns me in misery but I know whom to point fault, my own self, which covers me with sensitiveness. If only I could get away from this spell and spread my wings further ‘cause I don’t want to lie saying that I am caged here. I am free but my limit here is very narrow and my ability of being able to stay calm is diminishing every day. I have an urge to shout and cry at this moment and still I cannot because it’s cliché just to think of it. The changing phase has always been there but never has it stuck to me for so long like it has now. I am anxious and frustrated how my life is changing to completely different direction from what I have expected. I could question myself everyday but the very thought is getting tiresome and I end up crying my heart out for no good reason. The uselessness that I am experiencing is just one thing that circles around my mind these days. There are numerous things that are haunting me and I don’t even want to ponder around it because it only makes me miserable even more. I could try to find optimism with the things I am fortunate to have right now but human needs always seek beyond what they have and I am one of them. No one can blame me for wanting and I don’t blame any one for making my days as this. My life, it is not at all a hell neither it is a paradise but I live and I love it except sometimes I get the inner desire out and suddenly I am ill mannered, annoying, stupid and stubborn to the ones around me. I know I have broken from the shell, which was made for me to be safe and enjoy my early days as I can for so many years without worries but that doesn’t mean I am still naïve to know the struggles of life. I don’t expect them to be a god who could understand me easily and about what I am going through but at least they can act like a gentle human being and help me through this stage. I perfectly know that they have problems and I am not stupid to think that they can always solve them. May be that is why my life is so much worse. I keep thinking about others and strive to find them happiness and in the end I get so lonely and irritated that I fall several feet down from where I stand. If someone asks me what my problem is, I would not say exactly this or precisely that. I cannot expect to accept any of their help because they can only listen and advice me. If they really want to help me, they can by understanding me and stop blaming that this state is my own fault, that I am becoming utterly lazy and insensitive. Let me do things the way I want and when I want. Stop pushing me to do anything because I have a heart and so I can do it myself. Stop becoming desperate to see what I can become because it’s certain I will become some body one day. All I want is their patience, encouragement and support. Stop suggesting me that I should make this as my profession or that my passion because it can’t be forced. I have to endure defeat as well as achieve triumph all by my self. I don’t want to blame someone just because that some one had told me to do that nor I want to praise anyone for suggesting me to join this, I want to do things by myself and take responsibility for myself whether it be a success or a failure. I can prove anything is possible from me if only they would stand still and just watch. If only they would prevent themselves from pressuring me with ideals and join me in my satisfaction. If only I could talk and they listen. If only they would not interrupt me and not bring their usual comments and suggestions forward. If only I could feel that I decided on my own and achieved this on my own. If only I could live like a separate individual right from this moment. I think this is how you start becoming independent, an independent woman, as for me. Though I have the capability to accomplish what I want, I don’t fancy being terribly conceited from what I have achieved if that be my destiny because no one is perfect and I have a great sentiment towards this statement. I think being humble is the key to earn respect and be independent. If only.