When No Becomes Yes Just To Make It Stop

"Never listen to a woman. They don't know what they want. That's why they need men."

TW: Coercion

If every woman who has ever given in to a man out of fear liked this post, it would crash the app. That is not a small statement.

Coercion doesn't always look like force. Sometimes it looks like persistence and pressure. The slow erosion of a no until it becomes a reluctant yes just to make it stop. And for too many women, that experience is a pattern. And I think about where it starts.

Boys are taught that a girl who says no actually means yes. That resistance is performance, not a boundary. That pushing past it is persistence, not a violation. Girls are taught to say no even when they mean yes because eagerness is unattractive. After all, playing hard to get is the script handed to us before we are old enough to question it.

So we grow up. Most of us figure out that words mean exactly what they say. We learn that a no is a no and a yes is a yes and that consent is not a guessing game.

But some people (read men) are still operating on the instructions passed down by their great uncles. Still sharing those instructions with each other. I still come across men today who tell each other, "Never listen to a woman. They don't know what they want. That's why they need men."

These are not fringe opinions held by outliers. These are men in our lives, in our dating pools, in our beds. The confusion was built deliberately. And it is still being maintained deliberately. That is the part that should frighten us most.

The stories of men inviting their girlfriends over and performing elaborate tantrums to get their way aren't shocking anymore. They have become a norm, and even then, the blame is placed on the women. "Why were you going there?" "What did you think was going to happen?" And the worst one yet: "But look at the way you are dressed. Men are visual beings." If men were the only visual beings, women would have been born blind.

These behaviours persist because of men. They persist because other men watch, say nothing, and call it none of their business. One of my guests once said, "Heterosexual men don't understand consent until a gay man is standing next to them." It is not that they do not understand consent. It is that they do not see women as human beings who deserve respect. It is that they were not protected when growing up, and so they do not know how to protect anyone else either. It is that the language we use in these conversations never holds them accountable; it puts the burden on women to "avoid" the situation.

The only reason for rape is a rapist.

To every woman who has been violated in this manner, I see you. I believe you. I send you my love, truly.