“Where Did You Go, Dad?”

Not even four months ago, my dad passed away. Just a few days ago,; I can finally say this out loud.

Everything crashed.

Nothing has been the same since. I didn’t quite mourn him. Not because I didn’t feel sad, heartbroken, or completely fucked up, lost, but because there were no words.

Not enough feelings. No way to process it.

I didn’t even know what was happening. Since that day, until recently, I’ve just and only wondered, "where did my dad go?"

He wasn’t ill. I had seen him just a week before. I had been in the hospital, admitted for two weeks; low blood, low iron, got a transfusion, an endoscopy. My dad visited me. He came on the last day, the day I was getting discharged. The last day I saw him. I didn’t know it would be the last.

What could I have done if I knew? I always wonder. Every day. That’s how much I think about him.

Everything changed, Dad. It’s like I went to another world, another dimension. Music doesn’t feel the same anymore. Nothing I love feels the same. You were my best friend. "Where did you go?"

There’s a part of me that left with you, or maybe it was all of me. I don’t even know who I am anymore or how to find the pieces that are left. You always had the answers, even to the hardest questions. You would have known what to say now. You would have answered me this, I know. You gave the best advice.

Maybe I didn’t grieve properly because it was too much. Or maybe I was in denial. Why the most important person in my life? My cheerleader. Success doesn’t feel the same anymore. Mornings don’t. Rest doesn’t. I can’t even stay in my apartment too long. Because there, I used to call you.

We would chat, talk. You were always happy to hear from me. Your laugh, your humor, your contagious good energy, your company, your great advice, your support, your care.

Now I’m afraid. Life feels different, and I don’t know what’s going on. Until when? They say forever.

I miss you.

I love you.