Why do men not cook?

I have been close to my mother the most. She is the one who I spent most of my time with. As a child, I saw her doing all the household work like cooking, cleaning, taking care of her children(us) etc. She would hardly rest. I am sure she would have loved resting but being a daughter in law, a wife and a mother of three children, she couldn’t afford to spend her time thinking about herself at all. She taught me to roll round chapatis. I would help her in sweeping, rolling rotis etc at home. Though she also didn’t let me do much work during my boards(10th and 12th) but she ensured that I would know that know the household chores. I remember starting learning very early may be when I was 10-11 years old. Though I used to complain as I never enjoyed cooking but today I think this skills is so helpful for my survival. I can invite my friends over and enjoy a nice meal. I think cooking is a Nice way to connect deeply with others. Cooking and eating together can take you deeply into the lives of others. I must say today I love to cook but only when I want to.

Anyway as a child I used to go to stay at my grandparents’ along with my mother father sister and brother. My sister was just a baby and hence I wont include her in the story much(also because she is a woman and by default learnt cooking. Also because she enjoyed learning).  So We would spend 2 months of summer vacations at my grandparents’. We had a huge house and since it was a time of vacations all my cousins and aunts and uncles would come to live with us. At a time there would be 16-17 people.  And my grandmother also had 6 cows. So since morning 5 to night 10 we would work. By we here I mean the ladies mostly my mother and me. My grandmother would help a little. But men of the house would not help in the kitchen work at all. But this story is about my brother mostly. Now I do understand roles are divided so that not all the work falls on one person but I do not or never understood this concept of fixed roles. So while I question this I also have seen men had the weight of carrying out outside work. Personally I enjoy these tasks. 

So while I remained busy helping my mother, my brother would be playing inside or outside the house. Games like like cards, cricket or aanti(marbles) etc. Sometimes I would force them to let me play the cards game. Reluctantly sometimes my brother would agree. But he would never help in any kitchen work. And I always wondered  why would my brother not help or why was he not expected to help in kitchen. He never learnt cooking. I found it utterly annoying that only I had to work. Even though deep down I was not okay with it, I knew and was constantly reminded by the relatives that a girl needs to learn cooking. A girl who doesn’t know cooking or household chores worth nothing. I have just talked about cooking here but there are many skills or work solely done by women for example looking after children. On questioning him he would sayYe to ladkiyon ka kaam hain (In English this is a girl’s work).

While in childhood, it was a question of equality and gender roles for me. It grew into a question that why are we not teaching such basic skills required to live life. Why does this depend on Gender?

After my masters, I joined a school which turned my whole world around.  I happened to meet men who were playing the so called “Women roles” . I saw them sweeping, cleaning, taking care of their babies etc. I got to know that one of my colleagues left his job when his daughter was just born to take care of her as his partner chose to work. I felt closer and comfortable with those men as opposed to the men I had known before. These men not just challenged the general notions about the gender roles but also became very good friends of mine.These men were true feminists. 

I must also share that on my way till here in life I also met men (other these these two categories: cis men and feminist men) who didn’t know cooking but would call them feminist or some who knew cooking but were patriarchal. 

 So I wondered and I wonder, Why do men not know cooking? Why do they not learn cooking? How come you not learn that? 

Some either marry a girl who knows cooking or hire a cook. Many people eat instant foods like Maggie or bhaturas, samosa etc on stalls. Now we all know how important healthy food is for our bodies and how less nutrition these instant food items provide.They mostly contain carbohydrates and in order to have a healthy diet one must also consume healthy fat and protein. 

I have come to believe that skills like growing food and cooking food are so important.These skills connect us to nature, ourselves and others. If you know any of them or both of them, you are basically nourishing yourself and/or others.  Sharing and eating food together is an important part of our lives not because it keeps our bodies alive but also because it connects us with others too. In the process of cooking together, so much is shared and so much is created. 

Please Do share your experiences around this issue. Do men in your community cook? or is it only expected from women to cook?

Note: I wrote this piece a few months back but sharing It today.

Do have a lovely day and look forward to hear from you.

Love and Warmth,

Nidhi