Widow Woman

When I graduated from University I wanted to be a fantastic entrepreneur. I had dreams of the movie - A Woman of Substance and that was my focus. One snag there was I fell in love and the next step was to be a home maker, wife and Mom.

Somewhere along the line my husband came out to tell me I couldn't work at a full time job but I could start a school. So I started a day-care in the house which the children eventually outgrew and it became an elementary school. A few years into that my husband died and so I relocated back to the city where my parents lived.

When he died I was 5 months pregnant and angry. Why was I angry because my husband died in the middle of an argument - which we never finished and boy was I mad! I felt it was a cop out; he died so he didn't have to end the quarrel and that way he won! Crazy isn't it? I guess so but I have found women grieve in different ways and that was my way of coping.

Since then I've come to closure but closure came to me slowly in little drifts that kept me weaving back and forth not sure which way to go. I wasn't listless but I was depressed and that kept me in a near senile state until I forced myself to grasp the loins of my mind and move on with my life. I did and I became a mother of three children completely.

I now swung my focus 360 degrees to fully concentrate on my children. That became who I was. I was a mother - period! Maybe in a way I was trying to use my children to fill the gap my husband left? Maybe? But I gave them my best and my full attention. I still do a lot of things today, but my children are my best friends.

The problem with this was that as they grew older I had to find my space different from theirs because they needed their own space which I must confess did not include me as much as I would have wanted. So now I'm older, wiser, my children are adults and living their own lives and I've come to the point where I step aside and watch them use all the wisdom and talents and training I've given them as they grew up.

After 17 and half years of widowhood in a hostile African territory, I think I would like to try marriage again. I have the time to give to another person now my children are grown up. That's my story; I'm a widow - so what?