Would you judge me guilty if I said that I hate men

Since my early age, I could hear my siblings insulting me with names of strange people. I never knew that though we had the same mother, me considering them as my brothers, we did not have the same father.

One day, while they insulted me, I got angry and went to report them to my mother. The response she gave to me was: “It is understandable, who would feel comfortable living with a stranger. Your brothers are not happy to see you here.” I was so curious to know how I became a stranger in the house of my mother. Then I asked my mother,“ Mom you’re also supporting them,? What did I do that turned me into a stranger?”

She then replied, “ You and your brothers have different fathers.”

After a meaningful conversation, she openly told me what really happened. And I came to know that after my mother’s husband died, my mother was caught and raped by a couple of drunk men when she was coming from the farm.

Not having healthcare access near the area, she could not avoid any consequence related to the rape case. The worst began a few months later when she started feeling weak, and not having enough appetite as usual implying that she might have conceived(she got pregnant). Being in a trauma of bearing a child while the surrounding community knows that her husband is no longer alive, she thought of aborting. However, she had no choice, so she decided to keep the pregnancy until I was born. She believed that everything happens for a reason according to Romans 8:28(And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose). Can you agree with me that she had a reason?

On my birthday, I was given the name “Ntiranyibagira" meaning " God has not forgotten me". Why the name?

During the civil war of 1993, my mother lost all her three girls, and she was left with boys only. Having a female child in the house was a blessing for her because it was like I came to make her forget the hard moments she lived in during that time. Though she was a single mother, she always tried her best to take care of me and my elder brothers. I always appreciated how hardworking she was despite the living conditions.

I grew up seeing only my mother and my brothers. I have never known the love of a father towards his children, and I do not know how it feels to have a father in the family.

At the age of 12, my mother passed away. What is the worst chapter of a life of loneliness and anxiety? Would I be able to survive with my brothers? Fortunately as my name indicates, God never forgets his people. God sent his people to rescue me.

Since 2016, I have been living from the help of people I never expected and I never knew about. It's true that my name follows all the things happening in my life. Whenever I feel like I'm alone, I always remember that there's a God above.